Krista Appleby’s Weblog

The unrecognized victim in injury… February 22, 2010

When people think of injury victims, it is usually the person who sustain the injury, but they are not the only victim.  There is a chain affect that is caused by an injury to the family of the injury victim that is felt by everyone, but not recognized.  I can honestly say this, since I have been on both side of role.

When I was back in High School, my Mom was diagnosed with a benign brain tumor.  As the only girl left in the house, I was expect to take over running of the house.  So instead of being a carefree 15/16 year old, I was doing all the house hold chores, making sure that my Dad paid all the bills on time, getting groceries, and doing all the cooking.  I remember times, dealing with my mom’s mood swings after her surgery.   I know it wasn’t easy on either of us.  Her beating herself up for not being able to be the person she was before, and me wishing that I could be out with my friends.

But I have  always said that I would  have never have changed my life  for it has made who I am.  It showed me that family is important to me, and that if you fight, you can succeed.  My Mom has been an inspiration to me the last 3 1/2 years, as I deal with my own injuries, and the fear of the unknown.  For if my Mom was able to survive and overcome her injury 16 years ago, then I too can over come it now.

At the time of accident, my daughter was 3 and my son was 18 months, so they were too young to remember how I was pre-accident.  They don’t remember how I used to work full time, and how they used to go to the baby-sitters during the day.  They don’t remember how efficient I used to be when it can to keeping up with house work, and how effective my memory was.  I still miss that one.  They don’t remember how much energy I used to have, and how I would be down on the ground playing with them, or how much patience I used to have.

Instead they have memories of Mom learning to live as a new person.  Learning to accept, with much difficulty on somedays, the new limits my injuries have left me.  The one thing my kids have learned, is that Mommy even needs time outs too.  One of the hardest things was going from being able to play with my 18 month old on the floor, to all of a sudden not being able to.  At that stage, he was unable to understand what was going on, and it hurt both of us.  I emotionally beat myself up for not being the Mom that I wanted to be, and my son, kept trying to play with me.

The victim that needs the most recognition would be the spouse of the injured person.  For they have the burdened placed on them, to maintain the household finances, step-up with assistance in the house hold chores and responsibilities.  It is a hard burdened to handle, some spouses can’t handle it and end up walking out.  Some don’t know how to handle the stress, and may turn to alcohol to help ease the pain, but it may start another cycle of pain and unwanted stress to the family.  It can cause unease in the family if people shut out communication, and don’t learn how to work out their problems.

The spouse will need to go through their own grievance period as well, as the injured person.  The spouse needs to accept that the person that they love, and committed their life to will never be the same person in one way or another.  As well, the spouse tends to have a longer denial period when compared to the injured person  since they don’t get all the “friendly little reminders” when they over do something, or at every appointment.

But then the spouse, may also have unintentional influences from others causing problems with acceptance of new limitations.  Friends may make comments about how the injured person should ignore some advise given by a specialist, and not realize that it is already a tender spot in the couple’s relationship.  But the injured person is trying like crazy to listen to their specialists to try and move forward, but the spouse may not see that yet as the solution, they may see it as the problem.  For example, sleep can be affected by so many different issues and injuries.  Having a healthy sleep routine is important for an injury victim, which involves going to bed at the same time every night.  A spouse may see this as a problem because they want to go out and party, and have late nights out on a regular basis.

But if you know someone who has been affected by an injury, don’t forget who the other victims are in the house.  For they need your love and support just as much as the injured person does.  They too need to know that they are not alone in this world, and that someone cares for them as well.  Despite our ups and downs, I don’t know what I would have done without my husband there to support me through out the last 3 1/2 years.